Friday, December 25, 2009

I found the Christmas's in a Kahlua bottle!

I know that the updates to this blog have been more spasmodic than an epileptic gibbon, but as I've mentioned before, my computer appears to be made of Lego bits, chicken wire, bits of ten-year-old bubble gum, and Bill Gates' spit. It's actually been behaving relatively well ("relatively" being a relative term...obvious explanation is obvious) and allowing me to get online long enough to pay bills, update my Facebook status, and milk my goats in Farmville before deciding I've had enough of teh internetz for one day and imploding in a puff of carbon smoke and peevishness. It hasn't allowed me to do much here, and let's be honest, when I do manage to get online for more than an hour or two, I haven't felt inclined to try to fight it long enough to do much here, anyway. To put it in gamer's terms, it's like fighting your way through hordes of minions for an hour with no save points and few health items or ammo, getting to the boss, sitting through the interminable 15-minute preemptive cut-scene and then immediately getting your ass blown to Mars the second it ends, sending you right back to the start of the level with only one-quarter of a health bar, one health pack left and all of the re-spawning minions you killed the first time through come right back to life to chew your nipples off. In layman's terms, it's an exercise in exquisite frustration and when you finally reach the end of it, you're left staring at a big empty screen begging for attention, and the only logical reaction is "what's the fucking point?"

Well, I'll tell you what the fucking point's you. Yes, you. All of you who read this blog (all three of you) and have been so supportive through my mechanical trials and tribulations have literally reduced me to tears today. And on Christmas Day of all days, you creeps!! HA, I kid! In all seriousness, I received a number of Christmas cards over the last week, all labeled "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS DAY! I MEAN IT!!", and I must confess, I was getting rather nervous. I had absolutely no idea why so many people would be so adamant that I not open their cards until a certain day and was sure that it was a wide-spread practical joke, that I was going to open them all and they'd each have something in them that would sproing out at me - I dunno, like paper snakes, snowmen, radioactive kittens, whatever - and thoroughly make me crap my Christmas pants. However, it turns out that I was wrong and that I'm a sick bastard for even thinking such a thing, because I have the BEST FRIENDS EVAR!

This is not a claim I make lightly as I'm sure a lot of people out there have some seriously awesome friends, but my friends rallied around me today and donated to my Please-God-Let-Me-Have-A-Computer-That's-Not-A-Titanic-Piece-of-Dog-Turd Fund and, as a result, have helped me get that much closer to my dream of owning a Mac Mini!! If you were all in the same room with me right now, I'd hug and kiss each and every one of you...then tell you to get the hell out , you perverts, since I'm sitting here in nothing but a robe. But the hugs and kisses still stand -- I cannot thank you all enough for your thoughtfulness, I feel so blessed today. I would just like to state for the record that my whining about my computer problems was *not*, in fact, a plea for money (if it was, I'd just come right out and beg), and I promise I won't spend this money on hookers and blow...much. (I'm kidding, I'm kidding, not the face!!)

Merry Christmas, everyone, to you and yours! May this holiday season find you all in good places with good people, may you be surrounded with love, may you all be happy and healthy and grateful for what you have...because I most certainly am. I love you guys, truly. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, you have no idea what this means to me...excuse me...I need a hanky... <3>

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